Becoming A Better Version Of Myself - Part One

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I was unsure if this post would ever go live. I was worried people might be offended by it. Talking about subjects such as weight and diets can be very a difficult subject. Then I spoke to the lovely Heather who reassured me by saying "this is your journey and it's personal to you".

I have always been a terrible eater. I practically lived on Coke and chips as a child and that didn't change much as I moved into adulthood. A mouth full of fillings is testament to a love of sweet and sugary things. Although I had a pretty bad diet I maintained the same weight and clothes size throughout most of my adult life. Then around 4 years ago I became unwell. Everything I ate left me in agony or made me really ill. This left me struggling to eat or keep anything in my stomach. And of course the weight fell off. I looked and felt awful. Part of my illness was related to my gallbladder. Usually these problems only occur in women over the age of 40, overweight women and women with children. Of course I didn't fall into any of these categories. The only thing I could relate the problem too was my love of Coke. At this point I was drinking at least 3 cans a day. It had to stop.

But once I started to get better (after surgery) it didn't stop. My diet got worse. Who cares if I put a little weight on - I need to anyway. Takeaways, donuts, cakes, tea with lots of sugar, chocolate, crisps, chippies and the list goes on and on.

Then last year I suddenly realised that my clothes were no longer loose on me. In fact they were getting a little tight. Then almost like overnight my clothes didn't fit me anymore. Things had to be upgraded to a bigger size. I checked the scales - whoops over a stone on. That's OK though - I wasn't well. I needed to put that weight on. I started keep fit classes around this time thinking that would help. But it didn't. I kept eating the same crap and the weight kept going on. Another stone crept on without me noticing. 

The fact that I choose to have photographs of myself plastered online didn't help how I was feeling. Every photograph I took I could see myself looking bigger. My belly bulging in tops. My cheekbones were gone. Do my legs look chunky in these jeans? All I could see online were beautiful, thin bloggers. How amazing they looked in outfits similar to mine. Holiday snaps looking like models in bikinis. So I stopped taking blog pictures and Instagram pictures. No one would want to see pictures of me and my outfits when they could be looking at these girls. My self esteem was rock bottom, I had no motivation and I hated the way I looked. 

Then I realised I wasn't looking after my body or looking after myself mentally. I could no longer let my health suffer and my self esteem become so battered over something I had full control over - something had to give. It was time for a big change..........